Eventually I’ll stop with the melodramatic “N Months Later” posts. I guess it’s just an easy way for me to keep track of how much has happened in the span of so little time since I transformed my situation in life.
The first two months were tough. This last month, at least the last half of the month, I have finally been able to find some sort of balance. I have begun to mitigate work stress, keep it from affecting my personal life, and begun to set up boundaries for my own personal space.
There’s definitely a component of relief to these realizations. I have yet had the opportunity to tackle those personal dilemmas, though they have not been haunting my dreams recently. I have been too busy with the job these past few weeks.
3 countries, 5 days. That’s what last week was for me. I was asked to be a part of a business trip touring Europe for my division. Berlin, London, Paris. All unknown cities to me. It was exciting, exhausting, exhilarating, and extraordinary.
I love to travel, to explore, to see new places, to taste new foods, to breathe in the nature of the new and different. I am not a huge fan of flying, due to past turbulent experiences. This trip was all about flying, save for one leg of train riding. But I knew I couldn’t let my fear get in the way; I had to go.
I saw the Eiffel Tower; I wandered the streets of Berlin; I spoke with locals in London. But perhaps the most eye opening moments of the trip were those in which I had to guide myself through these countries. Getting from point a to point b without speaking the language, with a vague notion of time frame, geography and point of destination. In that second, there’s a tinge of fear, desperation, the uncertainty of everything working out and one being lost. But the success of finding the way through makes every second of anxiety worth it.
When I needed to get to the Berlin airport, through security, and onto the plane, I was terrified. When I needed to find the gate for the Chunnel, and make my train in time to get to Paris, I was nervous. When I needed to figure out how to get from my hotel to the conference and then airport, I had no idea what the timing would be. And yet, I successfully navigated the waters, charted my course, and arrived easily, smoothly, and punctually.
It may be a small amount of triumph to feel in these instances, but it has been empowering none the less. It has reminded me of my own capabilities, which in itself is something I have desperately needed over these past few months.
Hopefully though, now that I have passed the benchmark of month three, I can move forward from just focusing on my job, to focusing also on my life, those pursuits that I wish to devote my free time towards and see actual progress occurring.
Here’s to relentlessly propelling forward.
The demons that hide
in my head,
pull them out
smash them dead;
The devils that scheme
in my heart,
lure them out
rip them apart;
The poison that flows
through my veins,
draw it out
boil it away;
The darkness that clouds
my own eyes,
burn it away
with holy light;
Bless my body,
purify my soul,
sanctify my spirit,
make me whole;
The evil inside
Clear it from me,
Let me walk this earth
as a being, free.
As of yesterday, I have been at my new position for two months. I try and find words to describe the past sixty days, but I seem to be at a loss as so much as happened. Just looking at the number ‘60’ makes me realize how fast time has flown by. Has it really only been 60 days since I was in LA, working three part time jobs, struggling to figure out where I was headed? It seems like a lifetime ago (though my flair for the dramatic tends to elongate the time frame between events that were even only a weekend ago).
It’s hard to absorb the days, reflect as each passes, feel as if I’ve made each count for something. I get up early, I stay at work late, I make it home, eat, exercise, and fall into bed in the dark evening hours, only to begin the cycle six hours later. There’s something comforting in the routine though, accomplishing things that must be done and then some. I was able to hit the ground running and be effective immediately. Despite the break neck speed, I’ve finally found my place in the machine, and seen where I can also improve other areas. I feel that my contributions are valued, and that in itself make me confident about the work i’m doing, regardless of how out of my depth I am (my knowledge of hardware and startups and engineering is at a novice level at best).
And yet I feel like time is just slipping away from me as I run to keep up with what I’m doing at work, what I’m trying to do in my free time, what I should be planning to do but have no time. The current struggle is finding the work/life balance, considering work takes most of my time, and even invades the few precious hours on the weekend I want to save for other projects. Ultimately though, the ‘work/life’ balance phrase is misleading in itself, as work is part of life. It should be more…work/free time balance, but that sounds even more awkward and far from the actual meaning of the idea.
I’ve never been good at saying ‘no’. I’ve never been good at separating myself from a job. I always feel as though I have to be ‘on’, even when I don’t need to be. Perhaps it’s not even saying ‘no’; it’s giving myself permission to go from break neck speed to a natural run. But it’s something I have to do if I’m to budget my time wisely between all of the different projects I have planned in my head. Work at a fast pace, be efficient with my time, so I get everything I have to done and then extra.
But who isn’t plagued by these same concerns? We all have dreams we want desperately to realize. Of course, they don’t just happen; the opportunities only present themselves if you have created circumstances for them to appear.
Perhaps these are words that I tell to comfort myself regarding acting and the performing arts. If there is one singular thing I desperately miss, it’s acting. My mother, father, significant other, and friends tell me over and over again that it’s not over, that my passion for the performing arts isn’t dying a quiet death. And I struggle to hold onto that. I struggle to believe that I will be able to inundate myself with it again in the future, with the world of entertainment. To live, breathe, feel the sparks of creativity in the air, see the massive opportunities in the future, believe everything will somehow work out how I imagine it. But how do you keep the hope when sun up to sun down your day is work-filled and finding the time to search for acting opportunities seems small to nonexistent?
I realize these thoughts are probably no different than the average twenty-somethings who themselves are searching for meaning. But I guess that’s what this is all about. This being life. Finding out what’s most important, what we most desire, crave, need to survive, live, and thrive.
And so we go on with time. Fighting to fill every single second productively, pushing towards who we aspire to be.