Diary of an Ethnically Ambiguous Girl

Don’t you wish you had a tape recorder in your head? Or a microchip that would send the thoughts you wanted to your computer or other electronic device which you could then access and keep documentation of? I constantly write poetry in my head and I very much forget the words and the rhythm, sometimes the whole thing just slips away from me, which is tragic. Knowing you created an illustration of your thoughts using words of emotions and colors and places only to rationally know it’s had been lost to the dark recesses of your mind, probably the words unstuck together due to the interrupting of other passing thoughts and ideas, never to be puzzled back together in the original format from whence they came. But perhaps because it’s ink came from a dark patch of the soul and was penned in the ever changing mind, it was not meant to come to light, to leave the realm of the intangible and be translated to a reality in which it is exposed, open for all to see and witness and read and judge. Perhaps it was meant to be created and then disappear.

Who knows?

For now I am left bereft, unsure of how to feel.

Just aching to touch the words again.

Or wanting to revel in letting them go.

Who knows?

That urge to write and put down all your thoughts and feelings on paper but for some reason you’re blocked. And at the same time you’re blocked in real life. Mentally blocked. Can’t make any decisions. Just one thought after another passing through your mind, circling around your brain, pulling you this way and that. And all you want to do is breathe. But you can’t really breathe either because you try to tune the world out to process, and you go numb. Like the pause button is pressed and then you can’t even think about what you should be and making a decision.

My heart is shattered
In my chest
My body sore
From emotional mess;
The tears that flow
From mine eyes,
Caused by cuts
That burn inside;
My heart wildly sobs
Veins pulsate and throb,
My Mind moans deeply
Memories repeating,
My body violently seizes
I fall to my knees,
I cannot conceive
A way to be free;
A moment in time
Beauty together
Etched in my bones
Always forever;
To be alone
A cruel sentence
I need your light
For repentance;
But apart we are
No definition in stone
Your arms no longer
A place I call home;
But I cannot say
I would erase you from mind
Because despite the pain
My heart felt alive;
So you may be gone
From me, my dear
But the fire still burns
With no fear.

Growing up, I often puzzled over the difference between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My Mother’s family would celebrate on Christmas Eve, while my Father’s family celebrated on Christmas Day. And from what I could tell, the majority of my friends that did celebrate Christmas also held festivities on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve. I recall asking my Mom once why we opened presents on Christmas Eve whereas most others exchanged gifts Christmas Morning and feasted later that day. Her response was this: it was Oma’s tradition. This was how my Grandmother had celebrated Christmas growing up and living in Germany before she immigrated to the USA.

My Oma passed away in November of 2006, but we have continued this tradition of coming together, dining, and exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve. Granted, my family isn’t exactly religious. My Uncle, Father, Cousin, and Grandfather are all atheist, whereas my Mother, Aunt, and I are spiritual (I’m not going to comment on the gender divide here). So for all intents and purposes, celebrating Christmas could be dropped as there is a lack of religious obligation.

However, the celebration of Christmas Eve has become a family tradition, with an atmosphere blanketed by familial intimacy while simultaneously honoring the memory of my Oma. She created the foundation of this family, a single mother working two to three jobs to support herself and her twin daughters while suffering through an unhealthy marriage. Later, she divorced and met my Grandfather, but it is her strong spirit and unwavering commitment to family that we honor each Christmas Eve. And it is from these foundations that we have reinforced our familial bonds. For this exact reason do I consider my Aunt and Uncle to be my second parents. That I consider my cousin to be my brother. That my Grandfather is my Grandfather regardless of blood.

I look forward to Christmas Eve each year not because of the presents and the food (although those are definitely perks). I look forward to Christmas Eve because I am excited to see my family look excited when I give the perfect gift. I am excited to similarly thank my relatives for their gifts because they have a mutual desire to contribute to my happiness. I am excited to help cook dinner and relieve my parents of the stress of doing it themselves. I am excited to poke fun at others and be poked at. I am excited for the toast at the beginning of dinner to family.

In short, I look forward to the reciprocation of love, compassion, and generosity among and between my family.

Because that is what my Christmas Eve is. A tradition about family.

(In Nagasaki, Japan)

According to the Mayans, the world was supposed to end on December 21, 2012. Or at least that is what was popularized. As the end of the world grew near, I got to thinking about what I would be especially sad about if the Earth were to spontaneously combust and I would no longer exist as a human being, but instead as billions of scattered atoms across the vacuum of space.

Obviously, my first thoughts were about the people in my life and my relationships with certain individuals. But then I thought about what else I would miss. Not material things, but experiences. I have always loved to travel.

When I was in Japan during college, I did my best to see everything, do everything, taste, hear, smell all that was foreign and exciting. I made sure to explore the neighborhoods around my home stay, visit as many districts in Tokyo as possible, hop on the train and take day trips outside the city. I wanted to inundate myself with Japan.

The desire to explore and encounter new things has not waned despite my settling in Los Angeles. It manifests itself in a different way: I strive to see all the corners of LA, from the Valley to downtown, Inland empire to Santa Monica, Pasadena to Long Beach. I learn surface streets instead of freeway routes so I can see every nook and cranny of this vast city. I want to eat at every restaurant, sip every specialty drink, gaze from every viewpoint, board every rail. Breathe in the heart and soul of the City of Angels.

But I still want to travel (and hope that my future successful career as an actor allows me to do so). I want to see Egypt. I’ve always had an obsession with Ancient Egypt, reading biographies about women Pharaohs, watching iTunes U lectures, listening to seminars, reading magazine articles…you name it. I want to feel the hot desert sand under my feet as I look at the Pyramids of Giza. I want to stand under the arches of Deir-El-Bahri. I want to float down the Nile and imagine what it would’ve been like thousands of years ago.

I want to go to India.

I want to go to Thailand.

I want to go to Morroco.

I want to go to the Bahamas.

I want to go to Hong Kong.

I want to go all over Europe.

I want to return to Germany, go back to Bavaria and this time see Berlin.

I want to return to Japan, revisit Kyoto, Tokyo and Ngasaki, but also see Hokkaido and Okinawa.

Inside, I am an explorer, perhaps born too late when there are few places left on Earth unknown to Man. For I wish to know them all before I die. Which is fine. Because the world didn’t end, I still have time.

“We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.” -Anais Nin

For the holiday, my parents and I have traveled to the land where everything is bigger, Texas, to spend time with my Mom’s side of the family, which includes my Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and Opa (grandfather in German).

I’ve only been here for 24 hours and I’m reminded of how much I do love spending time with my family. Topics covered in great depth have included (and not limited too): Stanford Football and the upcoming Rose Bowl game, my latest project, whether or not Christmas shopping can be done without avoiding the crowded water hole known fondly as the mall, and what types of desserts my Dad can make with the box of Harry and David pears my Aunt received as a Christmas gift. Needless to say, laughter has been plentiful, hugs are constantly given, and climate change is evident as the weather fluctuates between 81 degrees and 52 degrees, making outfit choices difficult.

I may not be totally on vacation, but I already feel relaxed and at peace being here.

I’m petrified of that moment. That moment of silence. Not just any silence, the awkward silence. The silence where I run out of things to talk about. The silence that seals your lips together. Unwillingly. Not that I don’t want to talk more. It’s just that my mind blanks, my tongue dries up, my voice catches in my throat…

…silence.

And then the panic button alarms sound in my head. Gotta fill the space fill the silence joke crack a smile compliment—ANYTHING.

I don’t mind silences myself, but I worry about the conversation partner, what they are thinking if we just sit in silence. 

But here’s the bottom line: you know when you can sit comfortably with someone in silence that it’s perfect. You know you don’t have to say anything because you just enjoy being with that person.

Glorifying and horrifying. Simultaneously.

But how do you know if that person feels the same way about silences? What if they just begin to think that you have run out of things to talk about? What then? And all you really want is to be able to sit in silence after you have talked?

So I’m petrified of the silence. Because what if you never find someone who wants to just sit in silence too? But what if you do find someone who wants to?

In August I joined a theatre company. I realized how much I love and have missed the theatre in this past year back in LA and so I decided I needed to join a theatre company to quench that desire, to feed that longing. Now I’m in the middle of my second production and I couldn’t be happier with the experience. I’ve met so many wonderful people already, most of them women ironically. In a way, heyve given me hope. Many of them have been working at the industry for a bit, all longer than I have, but it just shows me that survival is possible. It’s also just a relief to meet and interact with new people who have similar goals. And I’ve already learned so much in just these two months. Trying differences in acting stylesthrowing the extra mile to make believe, which you don’t have to do in film…I am just constantly reminded of how much theatre is based in the preset, in the moment. It’s just so romantic. Theatre: it’s where I fell in love with acting. And how I will always always always feel at home in the theatre.

To those future travelers seeking to fill the open vacancies in my heart:

Do not be discouraged by the worn appearance; It’s been through some wear and tear. I’ve ordered renovations though they may take a while to complete. As past residents have damaged their allotted parts, I would like to avoid such catastrophic damage in the future, so I have instituted an application process. But do not worry; there is not maximum amount of spots. As long as you demonstrate friendly and warm intentions, there’s no reason for you to be turned away. Rooms are always open. I promise they are warm and welcoming. And as a hostess, I always like to make sure my guests are comfortable and feel right at home. That they feel safe, and loved; that they feel at peace, listened to. That this is a place people can always come to, that they can depend on me as a hostess. So while I may be cautious about those who inquire to live in my heart, I don’t want to close the doors.

Won’t you come on in?

Me: Mom! I got cast in the next play!

Mom: That’s great honey! What’s it called?

Me: Uh…

Mom: ?

Me: “Female Terrorist Project”.

Mom: Do you do anything that’s happy?

Me: The last one wasn’t sad!!

Mom: No, you were just a crazy scary lady that murdered her children.

Me: At least I’m not getting type cast…?

—————————-

Me: Dad! I’m got into the next play!

Dad: Great! When is it?

Me: I think it goes up in November.

Dad: Oh, it’s full length then. What is it? Don’t say it’s a downer.

Me: Uh…

Dad: What’s it called?

Me: “Female Terrorist Project”.

Dad: Yup. Sounds like a real upper.

Me: Hey!!!!

My parents make fun of me because I hardly find myself in comedic projects and they pretend to complain that they have to mentally prepare before they attend my shows. 

I think they’re pretending?

We all have
Places we want to see
Things we want to be
People we want to meet
Dreams we want to achieve.
We all have
Burdens we can’t bury
Troubles we can’t carry
Emotions we can’t vary
Words we can’t parry.
We all have
Moments we want to disappear
Monsters we don’t want to fear
Visions we want to be clear
Others we don’t want to be near
We all have
Times We don’t get a choice
Seconds We choke on our voice
Minutes We’re overcome with noise
Instants Our hearts we destroy
And we all have
A path we can’t find
A heart in a bind
A ghost in the mind
A screw to unwind
But deep in our souls
Buried down low
There is a path
we all have
A candle for light
In the oppressive night
Wings for flight
To glide over spite
courage so bright
It burns away fright
And The strength to fight
Against the world’s bite
So never forget
Those things  within
For we all have
The power to win
And despite any hurt
Be kind to all
For no matter what
We all have to fall

On #dance: “Movement never lies. It is a barometer telling the state of the soul’s weather to all who can read it.” ~Martha Graham

So yesterday I had an audition for a web series. Going in I knew it was to be an improv exercise audition. In the past, whenever I heard the word improv involved with an audition, I would run for the hills. I’m always so nervous i cant be creative on my feet, or I won’t be funny. But yesterday I decided to just squash the fear and go for it. It’s not like I wasn’t going to try my best in the audition anyway.

So I got to the audition, signed in, and waited my turn. The casting director was calling in actresses by twos for the exercise. Approximately ten minutes later my name was called. Heart pounding a little bit, I went inside.

After introductions, he gave us our scenario: we were best friends, and I had just broken up with my loser boyfriend and she was asking me if it was okay to date him. And we just dived into it. I didn’t worry to much about trying to be funny and thought about more what I would actually do in the situation if my life were a comedy, so it involved a lot of sarcasm and exaggerated facial expressions. And he laughed, so I thought it went well.

Today, I got a call from him saying he wanted to cast me the web series. It just goes to show you that you can’t let fear hold you back. :) We shoot next month!

Fail bus on my gratitude journal. Entry to come on theatre.

It’s still day 2 until I go to bed…

1) The beach: beautiful, calming,mwarm
2) my memory: the ability to memorize fast is so necessary in my line of work
3) A bed to sleep in
4) My computer: which connects me to the world, entertains me, and gives me the means to express myself
5) Money for gas: gas is EXPENSIVE. IM so thankful I have money for gas to get from point as to point B
6) My iPad: so I can do this gratitude entry from my bed
7) words: words can be so beautiful especially when strung together in a meaningful way that echoes in your mind and heart.
8) self-control: the capacity to know when to let go
9) naps: how can u not be thankful for some rest in the middle of the day?
10) Korean BBQ: delicious. Lucky to eat.

So in light of my goal to become a more positive person, I’ve decided to devote to put myself on a “gratitude challenge” per say for the next month. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to do this for the past couple months but I’ve put it off because i’m too lazy or some equally lame excuse. Anyway, I’ve had a bit of a down spiral recently for reasons that actually have nothing to do with my career (surprise surprise lol) and I recognize that I need to address the issues instead of just push them away because they aren’t always at the forefront of my mind.

As a result, I tend to forget about the things I have in my life that I have to be grateful for. I get so bogged down in my head I sometimes fail to see what’s right in front of me, all around me. So…this is going to be a two fold exercise.

Objectives:

A) Awareness. Of what I have. Of those around me.

B) Take life less seriously. Positive thinking yields optimism. Optimism means a sunnier personality. Sunnier personality means taking things less seriously.

I’m also hoping that by writing this in a semi-public forum (I say semi-public because I don’t know how many people actually read this, though in actuality it’s completely public as it is on the internet etc…), I stay accountable to my goal of engaging in gratitude exercises EVERY DAY.

So…here we go. Exercise 1: Count Your Blessings.

1) I am so happy and grateful for my parents. They are a constant source of emotional support and understanding. They are both my teachers as well as my friends. I can’t imagine having grown up without them.

2) I am truly grateful for the opportunity to pursue my dream of acting because there are so many people who do not have the opportunity to go after their passions. Or worse, they choose not to because of fear or other practical considerations. It’s scary, but I am so blessed to even have the option to follow my dream.

3) I am truly blessed to have my ears in good condition so that I can hear both the people in my life as well as music. I know that was awkwardly phrased…oh well.

4) I am thankful for the moon. I don’t really have a reason other than I just love the way it looks. And I guess the fact that it controls the tides is pretty cool.

5) I am so grateful for the rain. It doesn’t rain often in Southern California, so whenever rain happens, either here or elsewhere, I get super excited. I love rain. I love the way it feels on my skin. I love the way it sounds when it hits the ground. I love the way it feels cool and refreshing. 

6) I am thankful for my education in the classroom as it has made me  well-rounded, informed, and a critical thinker.

7) I am grateful for the hard times I’ve been through because without those, I would not understand joy and happiness.

8) I am so happy and grateful for my car. My car is the only way I’d be able to make things happen. If I didn’t have my car to take me from point A to point B…it would be really difficult to get to auditions and jobs etc. My car is also just representative of freedom for me. Like the Black Pearl is for Jack Sparrow. I can go anwywhere with my car. I have been on so many trips with my car. I don’t want to imagine life without my baby Prius.

9) I am truly blessed to have been to Japan. I miss it dearly and the experience of living in a foreign country on my own has really shaped me into the woman I am today.

10) I’m so thankful to have been accepted into a theater company here in Los Angeles. I love theater: the medium, the space, the smell, the seats, the costumes, the drama, the production, everything and anything associated with theater. And i’m so so so thankful that I have found a space where I can continue to live that side of my passion.